Hello lovely people, today is my sixth wedding anniversary!!! To commemorate the day, I'll share with you my wedding night story, first published on my 'sister', Commy Mussa's blog, SISTERS SPEAK 237. I'm about to tell you everything that happened right after this photo here:
The moment everyone had been waiting for came. The pastor, in an enthusiastic tone, announced:
The upscale interior decor was refreshing to the eyes. Various works of art garnished the walls around us. It was a pleasant sight.
The eyes of a brown-skinned receptionist at the welcome desk greeted us. As we negotiated for a room, I could only think of the three letter word that makes the world go round.
The room didn't fall short of my expectations. The red sheets on the bed spoke the language of love. It was a calm and convenient cubicle. It seemed like the perfect place for a romantic adventure.
When some family members saw us the afternoon after, dressed in matching clothes, they started ululating . Little did they know that we had not consummated the marriage.
I was totally disappointed in myself. What was I missing? How could I really be 'sweet' in bed? We kept trying for the next one week with the same results. Then Mr. N had to leave for work. He worked as a Marine Electrical Engineer in Equatorial Guinea and was going to be away for two long months.
The level of disappointment in myself grew. It was a mixture of confusion, uncertainty and doubt. After examining my lady parts, I concluded that there was no way a thing that big was going to go through and stay there.
I also thought I had been bewitched by some ill-meaning family member. Thoughts were running through my mind like waves in a torrent.
The over one week of trying to eat the fruit of marital goodness seemed like a wild-goose chase. The only results I had were soreness,
I wondered why a thing that novels, movies and friends said was so good had turned out so gruesome. Those had been my 'formal' educators on sex. When I started menstruating, my mother warned me sternly, "If a boy touches you now, you will get pregnant." That was about all she ever told me about sex. My father? He lived his life as though sex didn't exist. As if that's not how he produced me. He never went near that topic. Not even in a joke.
Then my biology teacher had managed to teach about sexual intercourse when she inevitably had to cover the topic, 'reproduction'. The reaction from the class was enough to make a coy lady quickly digress to something else. Yet, among the jeers and boos she pressed on. For the first time, I heard words like, 'erection', 'penis', 'vagina', and others in the sex dictionary pronounced by real lips in the open. It was a pretty rough ride for the teacher, dealing with curious teenagers but she pulled through.
My other form of sexual education was in the church where I was taught that godly principles required that I remained untouched until my wedding night. It was said that the greatest gift I could ever give my husband on our wedding night was my virginity. Anytime the topic of sex was mentioned in a church youth gathering, there was a rehash of this same phraseology, "keep your primary or secondary virginity as a gift for your husband."
So, on my wedding night, I matched like a queen into the hotel room with my bridal tiara still on my head as though I was going to receive a "bride of the year" trophy. But the gift I had kept as strictly instructed refused to be unraveled. Our various attempts at penetration failed. It was a night void of coitus.
It took another two months before our breakthrough came in a moment of pleasure mixed with pain. I was glad that the spell was broken. It did not however stop me from wondering if my case was anomalous.
Some months later, I had a chit-chat with a friend who shared a similar experience. She and her to-be husband tried to unlock the gate to her womanhood but kept hitting the wall. She said she thought she needed to have surgery done in which a hole will be created for 'it'. When I told her my experience, we laughed together.
I understand that a lot of parents, pastors and role models in the society refrain from talking to young people about sex because they do not want to stir the wrong emotions. But there are age appropriate discussions that should take place. What you will tell a 3 year old, may not be what you will tell a 13 year old or even a 30 year old.
A 3 year old may need to know that what she calls 'pee-pee' is actually called a vagina while a 13 year old may need to know that she is in a period called puberty and some parts of her body may be more sensitive to touch than others. But a 30 year old needs to know much more than that.
As a young Christian girl, I wish I had been taught that sex is a wonderful thing created by God. I wish I had known more about the details and nature of sexuality. I wish I knew a little more about my body so that I wouldn't feel like I was suffering from some kind of aberration.
The absence of knowledge is an invitation to fear. When fear comes, it prevents women from having positive sexual experiences. Now that I know better, I will educate my daughters so that the bad side of history doesn't repeat itself.
Natacha says
what a great post aunty precious. Am happy you spoke out on this because when it comes to sexuall education, most of us in Africa are so behind and naive about this and often give wrong information to our children. I was scared through the first half as I was reading and also because in some experiences I have heard. But felt relieved towards the second half. I don't know if it's too early to be thinking of planning towards my wedding night (when the time will come I'll plan I guess lol), but all I know is my verginity will be one of the gifts I will give to my husband. I call it a gift because I know my reason for remaining pure is a call of Christ and as such I consider it as something very precious. But choi! you are a poet oo. You have just been hiding All this your writing skills, there is God oh and you are definitely going places lol.
Precious Nkeih says
Nata dear, I'm glad you got to read this. We need to talk openly about sex because when we are rightly educated, we are rightly empowered. I'm happy about your decision to stay pure. It's not too early to start planning for your wedding night. As a grown woman, spend time to understand the female anatomy- biology. It really helps. I was not hiding oo. There is time for everything. God has blessed me with writing skills so I can tell stories that inspire change. I'm packing my bags... to go places. Lol. Thanks dear. Take five!
Amaka Ekezie says
I personally think the issue of parents/adults holding back vital issues about sex and sex education is to a large extent, the values our and norms our 'African culture/tradition' has inculcated in us. Although I wouldn't say this is a very good thing but at the same time, parents try too hard to be protective of their children and believe that exposing them to such information would only "spoil" them. Quite funny. But they also forget that curiosity is what kills the cat! Naturally, youngsters love adventures and educating them about certain things they would encounter would only make it a lot more easier. It wouldn't hurt anyone but it's a pity some new-generation mothers still prefer to stick to certain old wives' tales as regards sex. SMH tho. Thanks for this wonderful piece, Precious.
amakaekezie.blogspot.com
Precious Nkeih says
Amaka dear, children will always learn. So when their parents fail to teach them, the society and peers will fit right in. It is better if parents consciously choose to have age-appropriate discussions with their kids. We shouldn't shy away from these things. Thanks for reading, darling! Off to your blog now...
Anonymous says
Lol...I had a feeling of Dejavu while reading this...like I'm reading about myself being narrated by someone else, somewhere else...it was a shock to me too how something that I imagined as so easy became so hard...we tried for about a week though...hehehe
Precious Nkeih says
Dear Anon, it's amazing how many people have walked down this same road but rarely talk openly about their journey. I'm glad you relate... I was so shocked at how difficult it was... Lol your own trying period was short though... Good for you! Our breakthrough should have come earlier if hubby didn't have to travel. Thanks for stopping by, dear.
SWILL MARTIN says
Niceeeee got a huge point here!
Precious Nkeih says
Thanks Martin!
Joy2Endure says
This is a very educative yet funny piece written by someone who got the mastery with the pen.
I believe our values are good but like you mentioned, age appropriate education is to be given in doses. This will educate and help people better prepare for one of life's beautiful journeys.
Keep writing and keep empowering.
Precious Nkeih says
Joy2Endure, thanks for taking out time to read and comment. I also believe in our values. We just need to fine-tune them.
Anonymous says
wow !! Great write up sis!!
Am still looking forward to it, sometimes with a lot of fear in my heart.
The article kinda gave me little courage but I can't lie to you.., am so scared !
I pray that God helps me ooo. #sighs,tsuiiip#
Precious Nkeih says
May you overcome that fear, sis. Let your groom research on techniques to help you get excited. It is also important that you are both well rested before the act. You shall overcome.
Anonymous says
Hahaha. This thing no be do me one. But it took us three days when I realized that it will hurt but get healed with time. But after that, it is heaven on earth. Thanks for sharing your story FL Prescious
Precious Nkeih says
No be you one ooo. I'm glad you read this.
bonicat says
The article is very educating. Thanks
Precious Nkeih says
You're welcome, bonicat.
Anonymous says
Thanks for sharing FL Precious! It's so interesting how this 'difficulty' is not so rare! I had a similar experience too and had to 'examine' myself, even had to try a tampon for the first time to be sure I was 'normal':). Luckily we were successful by day 3!
Precious Nkeih says
Hahahaha interesting. It is not so rare at all!
Cherish Ali says
I find this very interesting and literally going over the process from start to finish. The topic of sex is one that is usually touched with 6-ft pole in Africa. Most of us go through prepubescent learning about all we need to know from misguided friends, media and hear-says. It i later in life we start to sieve facts from myths.
Hace a blessed marriage, dear.
Precious Nkeih says
Thanks, dear!
We need to hear about sex from the right places.
Funke Olotu says
Africans & sex.
I have to say that apart from this being a great read & educating, it reminds me of why I don't want any cucumber in my hooha till my wedding night, because if this should happen to me, I don't want to say *with my ex* that jackass
https://funkeolotu.com
Precious Nkeih says
I feel you, Funke!
Glad you could pick a thing or two from this.
Precious Nkeih says
Exactly. Some parents think they are encouraging illicit sex when they talk about sex to their kids or grown children. But the truth is children will always learn from somewhere. It is better they learn in a safe place, which is home.
Sauniya says
Sexual education is very important yet soo taboo.. especially in Africa. I feel like some parents think they are encouraging their kids to have sex before marriage if they talk about it. and others are just to uncomfortable to even pretend it exists.
I remember having the most awkward conversations with my parents about it. they bought me lots of books on stds, early pregnancies and others.
It was super awkward at the time but very helpful and I'm glad it happened. Also if you do not learn from home you might end up learning goodness knows what from your peers at school or being too easily influenced.
xo
Sauniya | Find Your Bliss
Louise says
LOL, simply because I relate to this and have never told anyone else. My Mr.T and I had the same experience. It took us some days to get there. And not to mention that I was so nervous after the reception that my menses actually arrived! I guess it's all part of the beauty of the story....
Thanks again Precious!
Precious says
Awww I can imagine what it felt like for your menses to arrive!
It's all beautiful dear. When we look back now, we can see how far we've come.
J-girl says
I was so emotional on my wedding night..I cried all through cause I'd left my mum lol. we started trying the night after through the next 5days, no way...hubby had to go back to work in another city..long story short it finally entered on our 1month anniversary... I thought I was abnormal pleaded with hubby many times to go see the Doctor. I had to use a stick of carrot to practise..thanks for sharing sis. I'm team parent-child sex education o! ignorance isn't bliss in this case
Precious says
J-girl, this thing happened to many of us ooo.
I'm so inspired when I read the stories of other sisters like you.
A carrot for practice! That's interesting.
Thank God we "overcame". Haha!
?
Linda says
Thank you for your candid, honest, well written story. You are, indeed, precious in the truest sense of the word! I too, had a similar experience which, actually, did require surgery and resulting recovery time before completion. There is no pleasure. There has never been pleasure. Only pain. In nearly fifty years of faithful marriage to an amazing, kind, patient, loving man. The love of my life. There is very real physical pain. What is wrong with me? Will I go to my grave having never experienced this "joy?" We have only ever been with each other... I always "faked" it - for his sake, for his pleasure - is there any hope or has that time passed me by forever? Am I too old, now? Does anyone really care? I have researched. I have studied. I have read every [Christian authored] book I knew about, I am educated on the subject. I am... I am...
Precious says
Oh my! Linda, your story breaks my heart. What do the doctors say? Your situation has gone beyond the initial pains. It looks like it might be something far deeper than that. 50 years is such a long time. I pray you find answers and most importantly, healing. Thanks so much for your sweet words. God bless.
Anonymous says
Wow! Glad to read this. You are indeed Precious and an example worth emulating. God bless you Ma!
I am 27 now & keeping myself for my future husband☺. Not an easy journey but I trust God for more grace to wait.
Must confess the thought of sex scares me especially as I have had to run strap tests and they hurt.
Well I am encouraged by your writeup & I know when I get to that bridge i'll cross. I also pray my future husband would be comprehensive and patient with me on the wedding night.
Precious says
Hi sis, so glad you read this! The saying knowledge is power is true indeed. So when you possible experience this in the future, you will be well equipped and you won't think something is abnormal like I did. Lol. I so much admire your decision to stay pure. May God bless you and give you a man after His heart.
Blessing says
Good day Sis Precious, i enjoy reading your posts and trying the recipes you share. You are very resourceful. God bless u. As i read through the post, i saw myself through it coz just like you, when i attained puberty, the only lesson on sex my Mum gave me was a caution "don't allow boys to get too close to you else you'll get pregnant". This kept me in check and helped me to draw closer to the Lord as i kept my body void of sex sin coz the Bible taught me its the temple of the Holy Spirit. I successully passed through the puberty stage then got married to Mr N in 2013. I was so excited to experience my first time with him but unfortunately, the first night was characterised by wailing due to pain as he tried to penetrate me. Because of his love for me and my plea for him to give me some time to get used to the idea, few weeks later, he succeeded to break the wall but i felt so much pain. Few months after that, i could enjoy the act and even ask for more. I always celebrate God for the grace He gave me to keep myself for my BB alone and i long to pass this counsel unto my kids.
Bessem Takor says
Hi Precious, l have been checking out recipes on your blog these past years but have never read your stories until today! I have totally enjoyed them! Thank you for your candid write up and especially for speaking about this topic which most of us did not get proper education on before getting into marriage. My experience with my husband was similar, we succeeded after a about a week...no one ever told me it was going to need that long! I remember a friend of mine who was already married talked to me a few weeks after my wedding about sex, and then she said" the best part is yet to come, wait until you have an orgasm then you will understand what pleasure is"! Keep up the good work!
Precious says
Aww thank you, dear. I am glad you enjoy my stories! It's amazing how we go through similar things.
Lizzy says
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm not a virgin but I've been celibate for 4years. My past sex experience wasn't all fun as people say, it was painful and penetration was difficult. I'm in a no sex relationship now, we met September last year and are planning our marriage this year. Is it normal that I feel scared about how our wedding night will be? Cause I also suspect my fiance is on the big side. I would love to know how to overcome my fears and what to do if what I suspect is true. Thanks