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THE FOUR SEASONS OF A MARRIAGE

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“…but time and chance happens to them all.” Ecclesiastes 9:11b

four seasons of marriage

Mr N and I had a wonderfully short courtship filled with love and romance. He was always holding my hands, looking into my eyes and saying all sorts of sweet somethings to me. Ah! I just couldn’t wait to spend the rest of life with this man, who adored me. In fact, I wanted to spend my eternity with him (and I still do).  But here is the thing: the hand-holding. sweet talking, sizzling romance  that had enveloped me was but a season.


You see, in life, there is a season for everything.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

When the Mr N and I began to clash over weird things like which conversation was interesting, I started wondering if I had made the right choice. I mean, we were supposed to be one right? We were supposed to be overwhelmed with love for each other, right? How come we weren’t quite the perfect couple? How could we afford to even argue? Or even ignore each other’s needs?

This August, my marriage will be 7 years old. Woot! woot!! In these years, I have come to understand that in marriage, seasons change just like the weather changes. These seasons don’t take place annually exactly like the weather but they are there. A proper understanding of each season helps you prepare for the next. It helps you handle the not-so-so-good seasons gracefully. It helps you keep your light on in the dark.

Here are the four seasons of a marriage:

1. Spring

This is when your love for each other is fresh and glowing. You are the only tomato in your spouse’s Jollof Rice. Your heart goes jarakijam when you see your partner. You are so in love with each other. Your love blossoms like beautiful flowers. It is evident everywhere you go. You thank God 2777 times  every day for blessing you with the best spouse. You never want this season to end.

2. Summer

Here you feel slightly uncomfortable but there is still so much fun to feed on. The flowers are still there but you know what? When plants are not watered in the summer, they die. My slowly but surely dying garden in front of my house can testify. Ha! You notice faults in your spouse. The heat is on. She can’t understand why he would press the toothpaste in the middle of the tube and not from the bottom. He can’t understand why she talks too much. There are bills to be paid, there are responsibilities to attend to. The spontaneous lovey dovey phase is over. It is still fun but the love isn’t as spontaneous as it was during spring. It requires some effort and intentionality.

3. Fall/Autumn

Now the heat is gone and you are beginning to feel quite cozy again. However, it’s not really the way it was at spring. You are adjusting, trying to blossom but the leaves are falling from the trees. You look good together but you are not quite happy.

4. Winter

“How can you be so stupid?”
“You call me stupid?”
“Yes, how could you not know what to do?”
Well, then that makes you the wife/husband of a stupid husband/wife!”
Angry that spew out of your mouth. This is a really dark moment in your marriage. You feel disconnected from your spouse. You are constantly irritating each other. You wonder if you still love each other. It is in winter that marriages crash easily. It is a season filled with hopelessness. Winter can be a hard place to be in but no matter how long the winter lasts, the spring must come! It won’t last forever. 
four marriage seasons

The Bible tells us about the sons of Issachar who had an understanding of the times so they knew which course to take (1 Chronicles 12:32). This is why I believe God is reaching out to you with this word of truth. It is the truth that there are seasons in your marriage and you need to understand that whatever you are going through is just a phase. Don’t make permanent decisions in a temporal marital season. You can’t keep wearing winter coats in the summer. You have to adjust to each season accordingly. This is how to maximise every season:

– In the spring of your marriage, spend as much time with your spouse as you can. Exchange romantic messages. Give each other back rubs and massages. Hold your hands and pray together. Prayer might be the last thing on your mind in this season because it is all cozy and sweet. You might not feel like you “need” God but trust me, you need Him. It is time to build a bank of prayer. Also, if your spouse is not the praying type, it is easier to get him/her to pray with you in this season. Speak positive things into your marriage. Feed on the word of God and gather some strength so you don’t faint in the day of adversity.

– In the summer of your marriage, learn how to ignore. Do not sweat the little things. Pick up the shoes your spouse kept in that weird place. Be selfless. In a time like this, it is easy to let little things spark up a big flame. Focus on what you can give rather than what you can receive. Forgive before your spouse hurts you.

– In the fall of your marriage, don’t give in to the looming gloom. All might not seem well. All might not seem favourable. The future might seem bleak but you have to keep a positive mind. Focus on what you have rather than what you do not have. Focus on what is working in your marriage rather than what is not working.

-In the winter of your marriage, do what Jesus did when He went to the garden of Gethsemane. Talk to the Father. Scripture says He is close to the broken-hearted. Don’t pray on one end and keep hurting your spouse on the other. Be purposefully one with your spouse in the midst of it all. This sometimes means losing yourself, ignoring hurtful things and valuing your marriage above all else. And always remember that spring will come. Don’t give up just yet.

Dear friend, I do not know about you but let me tell you about me. Sometimes, I give up easily. I try to back out in the heat. I try to run away from anything or situation that doesn’t feel good to me. I always want the springs in my marriage to last forever but the seasons change. When that happens, commitment is hard. But if your marriage must thrive, you have to stay committed both in the good and in the bad times. If you keep looking for the exit door, you will hardly fix anything.

When I look at Mr N, I am still happy we are together. I have happy we have faced winters together because, after those winters, we had the loveliest springs.

Here is the ultimate thing!

To spend eternity with God.

What shall it profit you if you gain the most respectful, romantic and reasonable spouse yet you lose your soul? Nothing! In all these, our eyes should be on our ultimate goal which is to be in Heaven where there are no nights nor tears. In that place of light, there are no undesirable seasons. When we focus on this one thing, we wouldn’t lose sleep over things that do not matter. Like how he flung his socks across the room. Ha!

To marriages that last!

How else can we handle the seasons in our marriages?

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Comments

  3. Patty ETAMO says

    Yes that's right. If we are committed to it during the summer and winter, spring will surely come and when it does, we shall forget the bad days of winter.love this. Thank u for sharing.

    Reply

  7. Anonymous says

    To marriages that last! Thanks for this beautiful piece. It has encouraged me a lot. Thank you.
    Dear FL, you are so talented. I think u will do great as an author.:)

    Reply

  11. kim shai says

    Hmm, thanks for sharing, those seasons though!!!! I think there are seasons in everything. May we continuously look to God through our seasons. More inspiration to you my sister.

    Reply

  16. Seraph says

    We shouldn't be scared of any of the season, especially for singles in this community. I am sure with JESUS in the boat, destination is eternity. Thank you for this Precious

    Reply

  17. Joy2Endure says

    Congratulations on your upcoming 7th anniversary. Just as you don't look for the nearest exit when the winter cold is too much but seek ways to keep warm, when you are in the winter stage of your marriage or fo pays rainy season time, buy thick blankets and add plenty fayawood fo keep faya trong.

    This is profound and hope it inspires many to stay and work on their relationships so far as it is not a matter of death and life.

    To Marriages that last.

    Reply

  18. Anonymous says

    Great write up,keep it up.. Help lives and families.. As for me, I learnt mine as a married man. God bless you

    Reply

  22. Ife Leke says

    This is so inspiring.

    CHAPTER 15 Manuscript – Chapter 10 Shantel was excited to be spending the weekend at home. Although this was the first time she had been home since she started work about three months ago. She wondered why it had seemed like more than that as the cab driver turned into her street. She figured it was probably because this was the first time she had been somewhat on her own. [ 1055 more words. ]

    http://www.ayandola.com/2016/07/29/wrong-but-right-chapter-fifteen-shantel.html

    Reply

  25. Katrina says

    Not going to lie, mine is currently in winter right now. It has gotten better over the past few days but I can't wait til we are both back on track to building together. Thank you for sharing the realness and hope. 🙂

    KatrinaJeanCarter.wordpress.com

    Reply

  27. Nora G. says

    Wowwwww Presh! Every married couple can relate with this. I love the quote “don’t make PERMANENT decisions during TEMPORAL marriage seasons”. *making a toast* – to marriages that last!! ❤

    Reply

  29. Anonymous says

    Thus was of great help to me. I didn’t know I was going thru the most difficult season of them all and was pushing to make a permanent decision.
    Thank you and keep on writing to save more families.

    Reply

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