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HOW SH*T DISGRACED ME AT THE MARKET

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Years ago, when I was a graduate student in Nigeria, I got disgraced by the thing that you go to release in a room where no one is watching. It chose to visit me where everyone was watching. Ha!

So I decided to cook Nigerian beans, which is black-eyed peas or what we call, Koki beans. They make a bean porridge out of it and eat with rice or something just the way we eat beans with rice or with Puff-puff. After seeing my Nigerian roommates cook this beans over and over again, I decided to give it a try.
Fiam! Pot on the fire. Beans inside. Cooking was on.
After cooking I ate, and ate…
…and ate again. The next day I ate some more.
Then I lay down on my bed to relax. Bruuuuuuuuu,  I heard my tummy producing a strange noise.
Fiam! I rushed to the toilet thinking it was time for a release. My people, nothing came out so I went back to my room and started to chill. Bruuuuuuu proooooo, my tummy sang some more. This time, I was really sure I had to go. I went again to the restroom but nothing happened.
I had to go to a little market around my school to shop for groceries. So I wore some pretty slippers and started cat-walking my way to the market. As soon as I reached the market, it seemed like witches from my village just arrived town to give me the biggest disgrace of the year. This time, my tummy wasn’t just singing. I felt like a rock band was performing in my stomach. In addition to that, my anal cavity was shaking and vibrating the way a loud speaker diffusing sound shakes. I was about to have a poop explosion right there in the market.
No way! I told myself I was going to scale through this. I managed to take a few steps with my eyes scanning the environs to see if I could locate a bush for my explosion. Brethren, there were no bushes in view. The place was filled with buildings. I was angry at why development happened so fast in the area.
I kept trying to take more steps then the unthinkable happened: my pretty slippers cut! As Mary Mary sings, “everything that could go wrong, going wrong at one time.” Sah!
In front of me was a small shop with with an elderly man sitting at the front. A small girl of about 8 years of age stood by him.
“Excuse me sah, can this girl please take my slippers to the shoemender?”
I solicited.
The man gave me a suspicious look then said,
“She no dey go no wia. Na shoemender that. You go dia yourself.”
On hearing this, I started cursing this man in my heart for being so wicked. If only he knew what I was going through.
As I stood at that spot, it was as though my feet were planted to the ground. Moving an inch was a difficult task because each step made my tummy to tremble and rumble. I thought of what I could do to save the situation fast.
I used my some of my grocery money to buy flip-flops AKA two-rope slippers from the ‘wicked’ man then I transferred my spoiled slippers into a plastic bag. I started moving as fast as my legs could carry me pausing whenever I felt like the dreaded explosion would happen.
Then like a miracle, I sighted an apartment where several Cameroonians jointly lived. I rushed there, sweating profusely and breathing heavily. As I got to the front of the house, I found the door open. I shouted with a shaky voice,
“Hello, anybody here?”
No one answered. I went straight into their toilet and positioned myself for a breakthrough:
Cacacacaprettetetebrrrrrrprooooobangbangbangwuuuu
I shat my life out. After that, I was a new creation. If anyone is free from the pressure of shit, she is a new creation. Now I had to worry about flushing since there was no running water. Thankfully, I found water in the water tank and flushed my multitude of sins away.
Remember, no one saw me entering the house. I heard footsteps and some noise in the living room meaning perhaps one of the owners was home. Shame wan kee me.(I almost died of shame). I wondered how someone will meet their ‘visitor’ coming straight from their toilet. After pondering, I summoned courage and opened the toilet door, where I met one of the inhabitants of the house, Emmanuel. I burst into a big fake laughter as a way to cover up.
“Emma, the thing that happened to me today eh!”
I proceeded to tell him my story and we laughed together. He then told me he had a similar experience some time back. In his case, a bush came to his rescue after okada (motor bike) riders refused to stop and carry him home. He even had to get into the middle of the road to stop a bike. Yet for some reason, no one agreed to stop. That’s how he resorted to a nearby bush saying if he gets attacked there, he will tell his attacker to do whatever they want to do with him. After hearing Emmanuel’s story, I felt relieved.
Each time I remember this experience I laugh but I pray it NEVER happens again.
What’s your most embarrassing poop story?

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  1. Hahahaha I guessed this is atleast one embarassing moment most of us have in our history books. Beans disturb me a lot too and mine happened after I ate beans and travelled. Chei long story short, I never forgot the spot I eased myself and I never travel again after eating beans the previous day! Make man no suffa so!

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  5. Loooooool. See me laughing out loud late at night. Thank God for the generator sound.
    I can relate. And till date I think twice about eating or drinking when traveling. Kai!
    Weirdly enough, I had two " shitty" experiences on the road. Pun intended. One coming from Lagos, I bought dodgy fanta that tasted off immediately I bought it. Barely had we left tollgate than my travails began. That journey seemed so long.
    I jumped out of the vehicle immediately we entered by state. Miles away from my house but junk kind. I didn't even care about the state of the petrol station toilet, filthy is an understatementlol.
    the second time, Na that same Expressway oh, ate dodgy food at mammy market.
    Thankfully. My colleagues understood and accommodated my ehm need to stop the car and do bush tins lol. Or maybe they didn't.
    Shit is a great leveler.
    Hahaha.

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  7. Loooool the worst time for such an experience is when you are in a bus travelling. The more the vehicle moves, the closer you get to the dreaded ecplosion. May that never be my portion IJN!

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